I FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!
Ahhhh... so, the problem was indeed the theme. However, it was also a number of plugins.
Here's what's up:
WooCommerce uses jQuery 1.8, while my theme and a number of my plugins used version 1.6. For whatever reason, this was causing the site to simply not employ certain functions due to a conflict between the two jQueary files.
I simply removed jQueary from my theme's folder (located in "js") and TAaaaDAAaaa! Everything works! *huge sigh*
I've practically lost my mind over this issue so I am indeed very happy. Citynode, I owe you for all your help!